An often-overlooked relationship is the one we have with our finances. As we celebrate the month of love, reflect on whether the relationship you have with your finances supports your long-term goals, or if a shift in that relationship is needed.

When you think about your finances, what’s the first feeling that comes to mind? Is it confidence? Indifference? Or perhaps anxiety? Like any relationship, your relationship with money requires consistent effort and care if you want it to be a fulfilling one. It's also a malleable relationship, meaning that even if you feel overwhelmed by financial stress or detached from your goals right now, you can always change it to one that makes you feel confident about your financial future.

In psychology, a common way professionals assess relationships is through attachment theory. Attachment theory offers a framework for understanding how people form emotional bonds, particularly in early life with caregivers. These attachment styles include anxious, avoidant, and secure. Attachment theory can help us see how we approach all kinds of relationships, including the one we have with money!

First, understand your relationship with money was probably determined early on in life, maybe before you even understood the concept of money. This could be when you were a child seeing your parents or caregivers anxiously struggling to make ends meet, or seeing them spend money without considering long-term goals, etc. These early experiences shape how we interact with money and should be considered when assessing your current relationship with your finances. With that in mind, here’s how each attachment style may manifest in present-day financial behaviors:

Anxious

In the clinical sense, anxious attachment is characterized by a fear of abandonment and rejection. These individuals probably had inconsistent caregivers who were sometimes there and sometimes not. This made it hard for them to trust when things were good that the other shoe wouldn’t soon drop. When applied to finances, this could manifest as someone feeling overwhelmed, constantly worried that anything and everything could derail the progress they’ve made. These individuals often lack confidence in their ability to achieve their financial goals, even when all evidence suggests otherwise. Consumed by worry, they may find themselves paralyzed, unable to make the decisions necessary to reach their goals.

Avoidant

An avoidant attachment style involves a fear of closeness and difficulty trusting others as trusting others involved consistent disappointment in their earlier life. If someone has an avoidant style when it comes to their relationship with money, they may detach themselves from financial planning and long-term goals. If they avoid making goals, then there’s no fear of failure, but there will also never be any progress. These individuals might procrastinate, downplay the importance of financial milestones, or dismiss the need for accountability, all as a means of maintaining control while avoiding the potential disappointment that comes with falling short of their goals.

Secure

Finally, a secure attachment style enables an individual to feel safety, stability, and trust in close relationships. These are the people who had caregivers who offered affection when needed, encouraged independence, and were consistent. In the context of finances, someone with this attachment style approaches their goals with confidence. They trust their ability to make decisions that support their goals. They’re able to be present, engaged, and adaptable as circumstances change without feeling overwhelmed. Rather than fixating on the possibility of failure, they focus on success and the steps needed to achieve it.

Cultivating a Secure Attachment Style

If you feel like your attachment style leans avoidant or anxious at times, don’t worry! As stated previously, these attachment styles are malleable. This means you can change them! To cultivate a more secure attachment with your finances, think about what the behaviors of someone with a secure attachment might be. Some things you may want to consider:

-          General Financial Wellness: This includes having a monthly budget, an emergency fund, and a robust savings account. All of these will lay a foundation for you to build towards your bigger goals, but remember growing a “robust savings account” or creating a monthly budget are goals in themselves. So don’t let this first part overwhelm you, break it down into smaller, manageable steps and turn each one into its own goal!

-          Maintain Financial Awareness: It’s so easy to check out or lose focus on money. You see your monthly power bill or insurance premium go up, and you think, “Well it’s only $20.” But remember, that’s $240 a year! Push back the resistance that makes you want to ignore things, and instead keep track of bill increases, unnecessary purchases, and anything else that can burn a hole through your wallet. Being aware of these increases is the first step in mitigating them!

-          Set Goals: Know what you want to accomplish, because if you neglect to define your goals you will never achieve them. If your goals feel overwhelming, break them up into smaller goals. When you’re setting bigger, long-term goals, consider the power of compound interest. The returns you can gain over time can significantly help you reach those goals. For example, if you know you want to retire one day and your employer has a matching 401(k) plan, perhaps at the very least contribute enough to take full advantage of that match. If you want to send your child off to college one day, look into a 529 plan. If you are starting younger with a few decades before retirement, time is on your side, so take advantage of it.

-          Protect Yourself and Your Family: While preparing for the unexpected can be difficult, having a plan in place can help you face these challenges without feeling overwhelmed or shutting down. For this, you may want to consider a life insurance policy that works for you and your family. Life insurance policies have evolved over the last decade and can be better shaped to a policyholder’s needs, these policies can even have riders added to them to help you plan for long-term care. A will and/or estate plan will also help give you peace of mind knowing that if anything were to happen to you, you have taken steps to ensure your family will be taken care of, with your wishes spelled out and legally documented.

-          Know Your Triggers: If your attachment style leans anxious or avoidant, understand what triggers that attachment style. You can change your attachment style, but it requires a commitment to remaining present and addressing those maladaptive traits when they pop up. For example, maybe when you receive a bill you put off looking at it until the day before a late fee kicks in. Receiving a bill is the trigger, how can you address that trigger? Maybe you can enroll in automatic payments, or maybe set aside time every so many days to go over your bills, or maybe something entirely different altogether. Addressing your triggers will be something for you to figure out and can widely vary from person to person. The first step for everyone, however, is to face those triggers head-on and look for a solution.

-          Seek Help: Changing your attachment style is no small task, but you don’t have to do it alone! Partnering with an experienced financial advisor can make the process more manageable and less overwhelming. An advisor can help you define your goals, break them down into actionable steps, and provide guidance and support along the way!

If you’re looking for support in navigating your financial attachment style or want guidance to maintain a secure mindset, we’re here to help!